Transformation

When I look back on my life there is never this clear “aha” moment where I discovered the elixir or the truth. More of a progression of this “clear sightedness”. When I take into consideration the qualities of Pluto it seems only suitable to share a story that embodies those qualities… forceful, intense, transformative. This transformation is so uncomfortable for several reasons, but it yields such a beautiful result. Just as bread becomes edible after a sit in the oven. We too can break our layers down with the heat of change. 

My center stage would be only a year ago during Scorpio season in 2016. I had just been let go from my job. Suddenly I became crowded with vulnerabilities, shame, self-doubt. These parts of myself that had been rejected suddenly came into light. Worries stacked around me, taking up a lot of space. A defeat. You see I had been so unhappy in the job, but I stuck around because of the pay. I was making 3x what I would make normally in Missoula. So I ignored the voice within me that urged me to leave. That is until the other party also decided it wasn’t working out. 

After I had been let go I had to work multiple jobs, I would nanny in the morning, and then go food run / serve at the Top Hat. I was enrolled in my yoga training so my bills were more high than average. I just thought to myself, be open and a servant to the world. Things will fall into place. And 96% of the time I was uncomfortable. I was so tired. It challenged my ego in so many ways. And I wondered how long I would endure the grind until I found full time work. But it was in that door closing that I expanded into my soul. I was tested in my faith and ushered to follow my spiritual path. 

My employment ended up sorting itself out magically but the transformation I want to note blossomed from within. It took courage and resilience for me to get up and do what was needed. I wanted to hide, but I didn’t.  

I have come to have love for myself and the strength I know I possess. So many times I under estimate this. I think "this will break me". And yea, maybe it did break parts of me but never to a point of unrepairable. My scars are what mold my story. They allow me to see a larger picture at play.